Grief release or how to get back to the life surface

no-matter-how-you-feel-get-up-dress-up-show-up-and-never-give-up-show-up-quote-share-on-hi5

This abstract is not about immigration, unfortunately, every family can get in the circumstances where they need to fight for their well being, and its even harder when you are far away from your close once. You kind of don’t have that shoulder that you both (spouses) can cry on with whom they can unleash their emotions and swim on the back in the stream of grief.

For the immigrant girl and her husband loss of their baby girl that  happened without any vivid cause was the shock which may be or could be  compared to the earthquake for their family, when all dreams just felt apart and turn into unformed ruins, when feelings and emotions got numb and messed up, when  inside body shrunk back but your brain is still pregnant because it has not really got to another level of holding your baby. 

And their dreams about having their baby got ruined you all at once. They both feel like they are laying down under the bricks, concrete panels, some dust, body hurts, they hardly can breath under all these, they are scared, eyes are wide open, and they try to talk but they  only can open mouth, they hear someone talks but that’s not them, they are holding each others’ hands to feel if they are alive and still close, they try to look into each others’ eyes and only one big question in their eyes: “Why?”

These words from some where: “We will try for  another baby…”  woke her up, the first thought was: “WhaT?” but then its becoming their light they need to crawl toward from under the ruins, shaking off all the dust, bricks, concrete panels, and organize messed up feelings.

Living in Canada evolve immigrant girl’s spontaneous lifestyle to more  to planed and organized, first it was hard but later it became so natural for her that now its hard not to. Hard to say whether she had plan of her grief release or not but at first it was the only pulsating thoughts: “Be together!”,  “he has the same pain”, “just be together” “Avoid get into depression”

Hm…what was the next step…Ha! No relatives to make arrangements about funerals…  The next step…was exact like in that quote above: “No matter what you feel get up, dress up…” make arrangements. First ever funerals for immigrant girl and her husband on the Canadian land and that was thier baby daughter… First purchase of land property in Canada, probably the tiniest one ever… at the cemetery. Then…keep up with kids’ everyday routine with regular  meals, school, homework and activities, and dog walks. They can not trust their fluffy red guy to anybody, and he comes to ask to take him to pee , poop, belly rubs and food every god’s day, puts his wet nose on hands or laps, so you can not not to “GET UP, DRESS UP” and walk him. The first 500 m of first dog walk next day after the hospital were the most hardest ever…after three days they were making first laps in the neighborhood slowly trying to feel the body capacity.

 In a week, immigrant girl bought a bicycle, in two weeks she was riding it with her red fluffy dog on the side… Riding a bike helps to blow off the baddest thoughs and to move up to life serface. 

6 months later…

Back to work. Another One the one of the  hardes moments… “Get over!” Immigrant girl tells to herself “Get over!” One more day… and then another… 

7 months later… 

This doesn’t go away, no, not the pain of loss but that memories immigrant girl goes over and over the last three days that changed all acceptance of the world around. She looks  over and over the medical records and last ultrasound, doctors’ reports trying to find that clue, that would answer the big question: “Why?” The  life is not the same now, her feeling are numb, her fear to loose happiness is off leash, and no way back. 

8 months later

They know “Why?” But it doesn’t help… 

something broken in immigrant girl’s mentality, she lost trust and ready to fight as a female lion for … well, who knows for what… justice, ha! Is there justice somewhere?! 

Return to work is the worst ever… this hostile work environment pulls immigrant girl back to where she doesn’t want to be… back to the darkness of depression and weakness.  

But immigrant girl is grateful to friends who happened to be close and keep supporting them day by day. 

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